back to school in a pandemic
Back to school season looks different for everyone right now. Even if you are returning to in-person and on-campus life at University, chances are it feels a world away from the normal we once unknowingly experienced.
After months of being home in Maine, I was equal parts excited and uncomfortable at the thought of returning to Boston for my senior year of undergrad. I was so ready to begin my senior year and complete my Interior Design thesis, to be closer to my friends (even just over zoom), and to be thrown back into the creative universe that my life had been missing since I was sent home in March. However, I had created a safe space filled with my family and friends with most of my usual responsibilities put on hold. That kind of Summer cushion became so comfortable, and as I mentioned in my “once upon a quarantine” post…I knew I would miss that safe sense of belonging.
Much like I thought, as I returned to school I was jolted by the immediate feeling of loss. Living in a city surrounded by so many strangers was something that typically fuels me and my creativity. But this return to everything I once missed felt different. It felt as if I had returned to a twelve-year-old version of myself that had no sense of independence.
And though I am settled in now, and having a much more positive outlook on my time in this beautiful city, the readjustment period was a bit more uncomfortable than expected. Acting like a fawn with wobbly knees I’ve begun venturing out on mile-long walks just to explore my favorite neighborhoods and catch up on my local coffee spots again. Seeing my city people safely for the first time in months, though temporarily spiking my anxiety, has made me feel at peace here again. I think it’s important to find the things that make you feel you belong, wherever you are, and seek them out almost daily.
Everything changes in a pandemic, which of course I and everyone else in my generation were completely unprepared for. Now add on the lens of college life and it becomes even more complicated. Many of us are still grasping on to just how quickly things change, and in turn, we must adapt. From the moment I leave my dorm, I am reminded that the world is not as simple as it used to be. From the twice a week COVID-19 tests to not being able to smile at strangers, this is a semester I would have never envisioned. And though I have tried my best to keep some things the same, like buying a new yearly planner and my favorite pens— I have a new routine, a new daily checklist before I leave my room.
Mask? — Check. Hand sanitizer? — Check.
My room, much like every current college student, has become my entire place of being. I’ve been employed as an RA on campus for three years now, which has always meant I work where I live, and I’ve gotten pretty used to dealing with that intersection of work and life. However, now we are all entering this weird mash-up of our homes being where we work, live, and now learn. And though I am so thankful and feel so lucky to be living in the residence hall I am in, and to be in the space I am, I worry and think about others who are not so lucky. I feel indebted to my school and the RA position for providing me with enough space to create and complete my thesis.
Another major problem that on-campus college students are facing is the feeling of isolation. And in this pandemic paradox, the usual cure for loneliness is to go out and explore, be with your friends, and ultimately be social. But obviously it is more important to be safe than be social this year at University. I know at my University every student has their own private room, and for some that is wonderful and they can excel in being alone. However, for others, and even sometimes myself, this necessary isolation only deepens the feeling of loneliness and self-doubt that the college experience is always made up of.
Speaking of self-doubt, here is my message in all of this—
If you are in school right now or feeling any of these feelings, be kind to yourself and those around you. I say that as a self-reminder and advice for anyone out there that feels a bit out of sorts in this “new normal” we are all experiencing. Things change daily and it’s important to take care of yourself first in some situations. Reach out to your friends. Find what makes you feel safe wherever you are. Find what ties you to your life and seek that out, whether that be your schooling, your art, or your hobbies. I think it is okay now more than ever to be selfish with your time and your needs.
One of my best friends said exactly what I needed to hear in response to my insecurities of impressing others and living up to outside expectations at this time.
He said — “Sophie, you’re trying to impress the wrong person”.
I’m sure he had no idea how those words would happily haunt me from then on, but that makes them even more genuine. If you’re anything like me, you constantly worry about the thoughts of others. Especially now, I am always thinking of opinions, perceptions, and judgments in the outside world. But I think what the world needs is more self-guided passion. Believe in what you are doing in school, your job, or your passion project— the only person you need to impress is yourself.
Take Care.
