ode to seasons changing
This is my attempt at coming to terms with the fact that time is passing by. The constant shift in energy and the parallel terms of expectation and appreciation. I sometimes feel at war with what is being expected of me, and what I personally feel passionate enough to seek out. It’s like living in the shadow of a past self, and all the decisions you made before. In times of seasons and mindsets changing side by side, I’ve decided to lean into this discomfort and seek meaning in the madness.
I cannot be alone in feeling these feelings…this craving to evolve, move my life to a different country, and start over somewhere new. Maybe it’s an after effect of quarantine and the fact that for months I was unable to make a shift like that. Or, maybe it’s because I’ve been binge-watching too much Sex and the City, and it’s brainwashing me into thinking my life is boring. Either way, I feel inside my bones that things are changing alongside the leaves outside.
The current war is what all seniors in college face…what do I do next? I juggle daily the idea of going to grad school, the dream of traveling for a year, the concept of jumping straight into the workforce, and lastly the dread of having to move back home if no other avenues open up. However, I find peace in knowing that this decision is mine alone, and this is all part of my journey. I know too that in order to make the best decision for me, I have to truly know what makes me happy. That means taking time to listen in and soak up all the goodness I can.
Talks with my friends show me just how much growth has come from the past months. We’ve realized how much, or perhaps I should say how little, we need to be happy in life. Most of us get swept away with careers, other people’s goals that have been molded into ours since childhood. I am still learning that I am good enough to exist in this world just as I am. I only need to impress myself. I’ve always strived to be better, smarter, and more successful than the year before, and school has always been there to compare achievements and weigh my worth on them.
Only through thinking of a future without school, as I edge closer to my college graduation, has my mindset been shifted and altered into something new. A new perception of what makes me, me. It is not my career, my GPA, or how I scored on my last exam. My soul, my passions, and the moments that are filled with pure joy are what make up the meaning of life. My being is more than how I am measured.
As I am developing my senior thesis, living alone in Boston, and having to be more “adult” than ever, I am learning more and more about the things I am passionate about in life. I’ve found myself reserving more time to be happy, allowing time to move slowly, and not push myself as hard every day. Hearing my friends say “I feel like I’ve never been able to spend this much time with you” is a testament to how much I used to sacrifice my happiness for. I’ve never felt more in touch with my mindset and personal goals than I do right now, especially as they continue to evolve as time carries onward. I seek adventure, creation, and genuine connection.
My people have been a light for me so far this semester. Knowing I have them to be spontaneous, hear me - and I mean really hear me - and just exist with. It also brings me comfort that we are all experiencing these same mindsets and redefinitions of what it means to be alive alongside each other.
So, if you’re feeling these emotions, or have an urge to be something new, you are not alone. I think the whole world is shifting and creating a new definition of what it means to be human. Let’s all just hold on together, and try to be the best version of ourselves, even if it looks different than who you were a year ago.
xoxo