self perception
Who are you when no one is looking?
How do you feel when you’re by yourself?
Without anyone else’s opinion— what do you think?
The last few months have been a fighting process for me to re-evaluate and re-examine how I want to whisper my insecurities and sing my strengths in perfect harmony. In this newfound state, I am making a place for my lonely, my quiet, and my questions.
In the midst of the pandemic, and four weeks in to healing a broken foot, I’ve found myself struggling and juggling inside. Many people are leaving these last months of 2020 in a very different place than where they were in March.
Staying inside, while equating to staying safe, also means being alone for the most part. For many people, myself included, this has posed a new challenge that was once easily remedied by social activity. Being constantly wrapped within my own thoughts has shown cracks in my confidence; areas that once were filled with friends and coffee dates and chatter.
I’m lucky and thankful to be able to process these thoughts and emotions through my writing and creativity, but it’s been a gap I’ve had to learn to bridge on my own, and very slowly.
As I’ve mentioned before in previous posts and on my Instagram feed, I am constantly repeating mantras in my head when I feel discouraged. My personal favorite being “now that I do not have to be perfect, I only have to be good”. I put so much pressure on myself to live up to expectations and standards that I myself set. Working backwards and understanding those self-built barriers has helped me accept my own self, and see much more progress where I previously saw failure.
Another change that has helped me when my mind is growing too loud, especially in the morning as I am waking up, is to listen to music. I’ve created a playlist titled “daybreak” that helps me ease into my morning routine of washing my dishes and making coffee. Having a simple routine helps me reset for the new day. Much the same, cutting through the silence makes less room for my inner voice to be in control, and allows for my internal rhythm to start again.
Along with music, when I first wake up I have the habit of reaching for my phone and instantly scrolling through Instagram. While I have curated a feed that brings me joy, it is sometimes draining to see all of these other lives first thing in the morning. Instead, I have started using Pinterest if I just can’t get out of bed yet. It helps me to see images unrelated to a user, or any other person I could compare myself to. I find inspirational quotes, images, and reset my vision for the day. I also created a vision board for my laptop wallpaper so every time I feel a lack of inspiration or motivation, I am re-reading words that mean something to me. It helps for my head to be filled with words and thoughts that are not just my own.
This process of breaking down my inner challenges has brought so much light to my life. I am in turn learning more about the person I am, and where I hope to be. Sometimes it takes closing your eyes to see everything clearly.
I share this in an attempt to reach out and find some kind of broken togetherness in the fact that we are changing every day. I lend my hand and offer to meet you where you are. Lonely or alone, you do not have to be perfect. You only have to be good enough for you, and some days that may mean sipping on your coffee extra slow, and others checking off that to-do list. I’ve learned to take each day for what it is; another cycle of rise and set. People are just people, time is just time. I just want to be the best, most alive version of myself with the time I have.
xoxo
